Not much of a party anymore

By Jesse Mullen · Thursday, December 6, 2012
Dear Republicans,

We’ve heard your cry for help. We know you’re suffering and have gotten in over your head with Tea Party politics and the fundamentalist right.

We know you’re angry and hurt.

You didn’t know eight years in power would destroy your credibility for the next decade. Or that ignoring your fiscal principles while selling out to fringe conspiracy theorists would make us uncomfortable around you.

We want you to know, it’ll be okay. We want to see you succeed and we do appreciate many of the things you’ve done for us in the past.

It’s just...

You’ve gotten really creepy lately.

In order to rebuild our relationship here are a few things we’d like to see you work on:

1. The Gays. They’re here, they’re queer, get used to it. We don’t care and we think it’s weird that you care so much.

2. Minorities. You’re about to be one, a little empathy would be useful.

3. Women’s Rights. We had this conversation once already, you were wrong last time and waiting 35 years to bring it up again didn’t make you right.

4. Healthcare. Think about how happy your are with your private insurance company and then compare it to your feelings toward your public post office. Spend a little less time gutting one of our greatest institutions and a little more time trying to improve our quality of life.

And probably most importantly:

5. Science. Global warming is real and a lot of the Bible isn’t literal. Even Pat Robertson agrees, the Earth isn’t 6,000 years old.


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